“I’m just having a difficult time being single in the adult world.”
I recently had a friend ask me if another of my friends was single. She was interested in him and wanted to know whether or not she should bother spending another second thinking about it, or if he had 13 children and was happily married (as if anyone with 13 kids is "happily married" - son of a bitch probably puts a gun in his mouth every night and tries to think of a reason not to pull the trigger).
I reached out to my friend to find out what his latest relationship “sitch” was – and mentioned that my friend had asked about him. When I texted her back that I had mentioned her, she started to worry about how to act in front of him now.
I literally cannot even write another sentence about this exchange – as I already feel like a 15 year old girl telling a story, littered with the word “like”.
“So like, then she texted me, then like, I texted her back…” You get the picture.
I’ll write here what I told her about being single in the “adult world”. It’s easy. It’s liberating. This is because you can just be straightforward and honest about what you are interested in, what you need and what you want. A real man or woman, not a boy or a girl, will respond to this – will be attracted to it. We don’t want to play games, we don’t only find the thrill of a new relationship in the “chase”. We aren’t looking to participate in the “hook-up culture” or whatever other stupid label some man-bun having trans-jerkoff at Elite Daily has placed on whatever it is that millennials do in the bedroom.
(Real list of Elite Daily articles today: 51 Thoughts every girl has when a guy asks her to Netflix and Chill, The absolute humor and horror of running into a recent Grindr hookup (*looks up what Grindr is, gets visit from work IT department) He is temporary: The Rules for Dating Mr. ‘Right Now’, The times it’s ok to lie to your girl, How to identify the classic Fuckboy, etc.)
All that shit is exhausting – and it creates problems if you actually end up in a quasi-adult relationship (Highly unlikely). You’ve spent the early days of your relationship, not getting to know one another on a higher level, but instead playing games, deciphering codes and not being honest with yourself or your partner. How in the fuck do you plan to get what you want out of a relationship if you can’t even communicate that need without playing some sort of mind-fuck game?
This is the kind of behavior that leads to, in fact encourages, a lifetime of passive-aggressive bullshit.
“I’ll mope around until he/she asks me if something’s wrong, then I’ll say ‘nothing’, but it will be obvious something’s wrong, this will be a good way to find out if he/she actually cares that much.”
Or another of my personal favorites from the passive-aggressive archive:
"I'm gonna start a fight over something pointless. If he/she gets angry and fights back, I'll know they still care."
What in the fuck? How do you crazy motherfuckers do it? How hard is it to just be honest about and say what you feel? Most people in a relationship wouldn’t view the above ridiculousness as lying or dishonesty, but I’m here to tell you, that bullshit is just as toxic to a relationship as any other form of dishonesty, perhaps even more so.
So how do you move past this viewing of dating/relationships as a ‘game’? First of all, grow the fuck up people. If you are afraid to tell your partner how you feel, or afraid to approach a stranger who you want to talk to and find out if they are single or interested in you – you aren’t proud of yourself. You aren’t happy with who you are. If you were, you would view the other person as privileged enough to be the recipient of your honesty and attention. This isn’t cockiness or arrogance. This is simply a feeling of self-worth. It should embolden you. My friend from the introduction of this blog, is young, successful, owns her home – why should she be nervous to talk to anyone? Get over your fears of rejection, your insecurities – and start understanding that to get what you want, you have to believe you deserve it and you have to actually ask for it…and when I say ask for it, I don’t mean pretend you don’t want it, until the other person offers, then balk at it to find out if they REALLY mean, then pretend you don’t anymore – then hope they figure out your batshit crazy code and behavior.
Now go delete your Tindr app (or Grindr, or whatever other dating app you use that for some reason thought it was “super creative to drop a vowel from the word). Go out in the real world and introduce yourself to that person you want to get to know better, or if you are already in a relationship, communicate clearly and honestly with your partner. I’ll leave it at that…I have to get back to Elite Daily and learn the 189 ways to ask for what I want in my relationship without ever actually asking for anything. I’m certain this won’t be passive-aggressive at all.